Insanity and Hope

Here's a good idea. Start a blog and then don't write anything again for six months.  Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

An update to the first post:  God gave me a good, at times difficult, summer off, basically doing nothing but working on getting healthy and finding balance.  I applied for a bunch of minimum wage, part time, "minimal stress" jobs but didn't get any of them.  Barely even got any interviews.  You know the standard questions people ask, like where you work and what you do? None of that applied to me. I quit social work, a burned out mess of a person with nothing to fall back on except the arms of Jesus. And even those felt pretty hard to hang onto sometimes, given my severe control issues.  So I've been learning to adjust my definition of who I am and came up with different answers to those questions. This past summer it was basically "I just chill and I'm trying to figure out my life," but now I get to say that I have a degree in social work, but work as the children's ministry coordinator at my church. I started there the day after Labor Day.  I know God must have orchestrated this because I got the whole summer off, and He has placed me in a position to work in the Hispanic neighborhood that I love and have felt called to for quite some time, all while doing ministry with the church.  However, this position also tells me a lot about God's sense of humor because I have never been considered one who loves children.  There are many challenges that come with working in one's church and I'm getting to experience that, but as I find a routine and implement some cool ministries I also see God working.

After all that...the reason for today's post.  Something I have a hard time remembering is that when you keep your expectations low, there is a much smaller chance of them getting smashed. I tend to have high expectations, especially of myself, and oftentimes of others too. High expectations create a much greater chance for failure.  Furthermore, to quote Albert Einstein, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  I have been insane. I've been considered crazy for other reasons too, but for purposes of this definition, I keep trusting, keep pursuing, even though I know it's wrong/stupid/bad for me, and I think things will be different.  When will I learn?  To an extent I think all of society has a level of Einstein's definition of insanity within them.  We get burned, get hurt, but we go back to the fire, back to the source, don't make changes for whatever reason because if we don't go back, it's like we're saying we're giving up hope- on that relationship, that career.  But something's gotta give.  I can't go back, only forward, and sometimes we do have to know when to call it quits, when there is no hope left- for that relationship, that career.  There will always be hope for people, and it always comes back to trusting God's plan, but here is where I call it quits on hope for that relationship I've been clinging to. It is only a "better than nothing" thing, something to fill the void because I feel so isolated and alone, and that isn't fair for him.  Jesus will fill the void if I let Him, if I keep coming to Him, and He will, and has been, providing some awesome women to be a part of my community.  There is a reason to hope.  Light shines in the darkness.

A New Blog on a Hard to Trust day

I've been formulating this blog in my head for the past couple weeks, and today turned out to be the day to get it started.  Today is one of those "hard to trust even though you know God has a plan and it's good and everything will work out and you have to stop being irrational and crying" days.  A little more than a month ago I decided, after many months of unhappiness and effects to my health, that I would resign from my job as a home based therapist.  This was a major step of faith because though I had been looking for another job, I hadn't found one yet.  But I knew that God was calling me to live a better life, a healthy life that glorified Him, so I quit.  Thus began what I'm thinking of as "the trust fall."  You know that game you played as a child (or in college!) where you stood with your back turned and someone stood behind you and you fell backwards, trusting that they would catch you.  A lot of times this is done as a "team building" exercise.  It usually felt like torture to me.   I like to be in control, not putting my life in some jokester's or weakling's arms!  So, that being said, living with no idea of what's next, or how I'll be able to support myself once my savings run out if no job comes along is really stinkin' scary.  What could God possibly have planned, and could he please let me in on it for a second?  As always though, He shows up.  He is there in the beautiful faces of my church community, He speaks through my precious friend Maribel who is helping me speak Spanish.  Seriously, if I could have even half the faith and wisdom that that woman has.  She's amazing.

So, here we are.  God doesn't make things easy.  As Maribel said, the path of God is difficult, and is only for the courageous.  He has certainly taken me on some adventures, and continues to do so.
Seguimos adelante.  We continue forward.